


My Longing Heart to Break

by sleeperservice



Category: Hockey RPF
Genre: Alternate Universe - Canon Divergence, Alternate Universe - Merpeople, M/M, Soul Bond
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2018-07-06
Updated: 2018-07-06
Packaged: 2019-05-16 10:40:20
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 4,158
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/14809800
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/sleeperservice/pseuds/sleeperservice
Summary: Mikael was rescued by a merman as a child. Seventeen years later, despite his hockey career, the sea and one of its inhabitants are drawing him closer.





	My Longing Heart to Break

**Author's Note:**

> Content notes: some mention of blood, and some of depression.

**_2001_ **

Something on the beach was sparkling. It caught Mikael's eye from the bushes on the edge of the shoreline, and drew him down to the water. His parents and brother were still up at the parking lot, getting lunch ready in the car, but they had trusted him enough to let him down to the beach alone. He would never go in the water, not by himself, not without an adult around. But that sparkle, that glint on the line of the tide, it was too hard to ignore. What could it be? He crept up to it slowly. It looked like a chain. Part of it was buried in the sand and gravel that was being lapped by the tide every moment or so. He reached down to pick it up, and....

...the wave took him by surprise, took him out, far, salt water filling his mouth, his nose, his ears, until it couldn't have filled him any more.

So this was drowning, he thought, too weak to fight the water. He felt the water embracing him and pulling him...up? Out of the water? Something had placed him on shore, taken the water out of him, and was still holding him. It was wet and slippery and when he opened his eyes he widened them in shock.

A most unusual person was looking him in the eyes. His face was masklike; it was hairless and lipless and smooth. He wasn't blinking. Some cloudy covering flicked over his large, pale eyes as he continued staring Mikael in the face. It was creepy, especially when he opened his mouth and showed his sharp teeth. He didn't look that old, probably would have been a teenager if he was human, but he was most definitely not.

"Who are you?" Mikael said.

"We were reaching for the same thing at the same time." The creature's voice was odd as well; of course it would be, he had no lips to speak of that he could see. "I bring you up, so you live, little one."

Mikael could see the gills, the ones that weren't obscured by his long, greenish-tinged blond hair, on the creature's neck flapping futilely to get air. "Don't you need to get back in the water so you can breathe too?"

"I can breathe through my nose too, for a little while. Do not worry for me."

"All right, I won't worry." Mikael was worried, but for himself. His parents hadn't called for him when he was in the water, had they? He was going to be in trouble when they saw how wet he was, and even worse trouble if they knew that he had nearly drowned. And he could never tell them about this sea creature who rescued him, because his parents would never believe that mermaids and the like were real, despite this young merman who was holding his wrist down.

"You still look worried, I think. Here, little one, have the treasure we both were seeking." The merman had the necklace, for that is what it was, clasped in his free hand. Mikael could see the gold through the translucent webbing between his fingers. He pushed himself up a bit and let Mikael's wrist go, and opened the necklace clasp with one of his long claws and put it around Mikael's neck.

"You earned it, though, you got to it first, and then you had to save me...." Mikael trailed off. He didn't really want to argue with the merman, but he really did deserve it more than Mikael did.

"You risked your life for it; you think that does not deserve a treasure? It does." The merman tapped the pendant with a claw. The claw was as shiny as the little teardrop-shaped clear crystal; the tap made a little sound.

"You still look like you want it, though."

"We all love the beautiful things you humans make and set adrift." The merman smiled again, the points of his teeth showing.

Mikael nodded. "I guess it's hard to make anything down there."

The merman's eyes widened suddenly. "I must leave you here; my brother calls me from far away and he sounds most distressed. And my parents...much worse. I think I hear human noises from above, too. Take care, little one, and do not chase shiny things at the shore again."

The merman slipped down to the shore, like a snake, quick and in one motion, and was in the water and gone. Mikael stared out into the sea. He could see the ripples of a very long tail, and then the tip of the tail broke the water, and then he could see no more; but he could hear his parents calling him to lunch. He stuck the pendant of the necklace in his shirt and walked back to the parking lot, dripping, to await his scolding.

  


**_2012-13_ **

Mikael dropped the necklace into the bottle alongside the rolled-up note, corked the bottle, and sealed it with hot wax. He felt silly but this felt like the right thing to do. His life had felt charmed in the past decade, since his near-drowning and the merman gifting the necklace to him. His memory could have played tricks on him and his fantasy rescuer may have been something far more mundane after all, but he felt in his heart that it was the truth. He didn't know if these creatures could read or if his own merman would even be the one to find it, but Mikael had to try something.

He was going to the States, to Chicago, finally after the Canucks had drafted him two years before. His military service was done. He'd won a championship with his team at home and a bronze at Worlds in 2011. With every triumph of his teams, he felt confident that he had been blessed by his encounter. It could have been the necklace, which he rarely took off. He kept it on at first because it reminded him that such a thing had really happened, that he had met a merman and been given a treasure. As he grew, and noticed that he performed much worse in games where he didn't wear it, he refused to take it off again unless he absolutely had to. This necklace had created a bond and this good-luck charm, which he rarely had taken off, was going to need to be returned.

Maybe the Wolves would win it all this season. He had to try to see what he could do in the AHL himself, without charms and luck. Maybe the lockout would end and he'd get to play for Vancouver instead...but that was all up in the air, for another sort of luck to handle.

  


He hoped that he was going to the right spot. He had even asked his parents if they had remembered where it was; of course they had, as it was the place where he had done something very, very stupid at the age of nine and would never get the chance to do it again. They didn't understand why he was returning. Mikael hadn't told them about the bottle, and the necklace, or the merman. He never would. He parked his small car, walked down to the shore, and threw the bottle into the receding tide.

"You blessed me! I thank you so much! Everything I have done, you gave me the chance to do, and now I go off to do it in North America!" Mikael shouted into the wind. Of course the merman probably wouldn't be able to hear it, if he even existed.

The bottle sunk under the waves. Mikael looked into the distance for a long time, trying to see if that long tail would break the surface, if someone would come and bother him.

Nothing did.

He had already packed up his things from the apartment he shared with his brother. This visit to the beach preceded a visit to his parents, possibly the last time he would see them until he returned in the summer. He had no idea how the season would go, if they could spare the time to come to Vancouver to see him play, or if he'd ever get to play in Vancouver. His entire hockey career had been built on uncertainty and change. This was only another one, and his futile attempt to locate his merman was another chalk mark in the uncertainty column. If he had wanted certainty, he could have stayed in Oulu all those years ago. But he didn't, and now he was going to take the biggest chance of his life.

  


The call started soon after that, right before he left for Chicago. It was a soft pull, to the ocean, a feeling in the back of his mind that he should be elsewhere. The dreams came later, after he arrived in the States and decided to take a look at Lake Michigan. The call was softer there than it had been anywhere in Finland. Even in Chicago, sometimes he couldn't feel it at all. In most of the cities the Wolves visited, the call was nearly imperceptible; the exceptions were those near major bodies of water. The dreams, of the lonely merman in the depths of the sea, never stopped.

Sometimes the dreams would be nice, like seeing his merman swimming behind what Mikael presumed were his parents and brother. His brother's tail was so much shorter; his merman looked like he didn't fit with the rest of them at all. Sometimes, they would not be nice; the merman would be challenged by others and threatened. It looked like they were playing some sort of game that involved chasing for the same piece of treasure. Mikael kept having to change road roomies because his talking in his sleep and occasional screaming would wake them up.

When he was called up to the Canucks after the lockout ended and the injuries began, the call was worse. It was still a soft call in Vancouver, but unlike in Chicago the pull at him never stopped. He should have expected it but he hadn't thought of what it would feel like having it almost every day.

When the Canucks were at home, he visited the ocean almost every morning, or in the evening on off-days. It felt like home; if he didn't go, he was on edge. His teammates had noticed this and started to chirp him. None of them had ever come with him. He kept looking for that tail in the ocean, but this wasn't the Baltic Sea; it was the Pacific Ocean. He imagined his merman travelling through the Arctic, coming for him, but that was probably impossible.

Mikael's dreams were still bothering his road roommates. One of the dreams involved him swimming at the merman's side, exploring the wreck of an old wooden sailing ship. It was eerie yet peaceful. His merman had offered him an old coin to touch, but when he went to grab hold of it he woke up. His covers had been tossed off the bed and his roommate stared at him. Mikael understood that he was going to have to explain something about the dreams to every roomie he was going to have from then on.

Returning to Helsinki after the season was a full-on mental assault. He couldn't explain to anyone what was going on. It was summer, and the sea was there in front of him, but the merman did not come to him. Mikael couldn't understand why he could feel the merman, but he still wouldn't come. It was painful. He would have to come to the original beach, which he would not do. He wouldn't even go north to the beaches there. He was afraid of what would happen if he did.

  


**_2018_ **

This season was a disaster. Mikael thought it was nice of them to have traded for Markus so he could make his time on the team happier, all those years ago, so now they could share in the disaster. Markus was having more of a disaster season and career than Mikael ever had; he was constantly injured, and the chirping about his being the lesser Granlund was absolutely useless with his recovery or his self-esteem. Mikael's little brother didn't deserve it. He tried so hard but nobody acknowledged it and, if he couldn't stay off IR, nobody ever would.

Mikael couldn't help him much. He'd spent the last six seasons as the team weirdo, a reputation he couldn't shake no matter how well he played. The random pains he had that had nothing to do with any of his actual on-ice bumps and bruises had as much to do with it as his constant seaside visits and his weird dreams. At least he hadn't had to have a roommate after his ELC had been done, so nobody on the Canucks had seen that they were still going on. The Finnish national team was another matter.

Mikael understood why Henrik and Daniel wanted out. They'd put so much time in here for little result, only their personal satisfaction. The Sedins loved the team, and the city, but everyone knew they didn't love the losing. But this was their place, the place they loved and cherished, and they would have no other team. Their teammates had the feeling they were going to retire far before they announced it.

He may have understood why they were retiring, but he didn't want them to retire. All the pressure that had been on them was probably going to be placed on him, if not now, then eventually. Mikael had really had enough of that from the fans and the hockey establishment back home. The best young player in Finland in a decade, the only offensive hope, handed the captaincy of the national team far before he felt he had either earned it or deserved it. But all the older greats had retired and the talents that came after weren't ready for it yet either; and they all looked to him in admiration. Even his own brother did, and that was nearly unbearable. No man should hold the hopes of a generation alone.

Mikael had asked Henrik, earlier that season, how he had managed to deal with the pressure to perform, the pressure to lead, how it was to play with the person who means the most to you. The answer was unsatisfactory.

Henrik had shaken his head at him in slight disbelief. "You just do. You get up every morning and climb the mountain. It's endurance, life. And hockey. It gets different once you get serious about a partner, start a family. Then it's another kind of endurance. You do it for them." He had paused. "Until you can't."

He had given Mikael an evaluating look and walked away.

  


The call, and the dreams, had been going on for almost six years. It was getting worse. Mikael loved road trips, especially to places like Edmonton, Calgary, Denver, and now Las Vegas. It would have been nice if he had been traded there. The farther away from water he was, the better he played. Even so, the strength of the call wouldn't have been so bad if not for the dreams. The call was calmed by a daily visit to the nearest large body of water. The dreams never stopped. His merman--he was "his" now, clearly--longed for him. Mikael felt it every night. He longed for the merman as well, imagining his damp touch all over his body, swimming at his side. He desired no one else and hadn't for the past six years.

He had daydreams, visions, of their--tails? both of them had them--entwined, and their seabound bodies joining in ecstasy. Mikael had a vision, right at the end of the season, of the merman gasping for air on some lonely, strange shore. This vision could never come true. He hoped it hadn't happened already, but the normal dreams still came as ever, so it probably wasn't true.

  


That year's World Championship was a continuation of the disaster in Vancouver. Mikael kept feeling that the team would have been better off in the hands of the domestic players and the KHL guys. He should have begged off, but he felt responsible. The handful of NHLers there were all too young, too undisciplined, and too annoying. He wished Markus had been there, but he was back home rehabbing his shattered ankle. Mikael, instead, was in Denmark leading the national team to fifth place and avoiding the ever-present call to the sea.

On his return home, Mikael was weary and worn out and wavering. He had a feeling Markus wouldn't be coming back to the Canucks the next season, wouldn't get the qualifying offer, what with all the time he had missed. He couldn't imagine playing without his brother. They'd been together through almost everything. They lived together. Now they would be torn apart.

The last vision he had of the merman had troubled him. He was going to have to answer that call. He knew, if he did, he wouldn't come back.

All his affairs had long been in order. He told his brother that he was going on holiday alone, to clear his head. Mikael had already written him a long letter of explanation, with an invitation to come to that beach the same time next year so they would meet again, which he would post when he reached his destination. By the time the letter would be received, it would be too late; whatever would happen would have already happened.

  


The sea was quiet. It was almost too quiet. The midday sun glinted on the waves. Nobody else was around; this was a weekday and not a holiday. Mikael stood and faced the sea. "I'm finally here. Whatever you want of me, I am here for it." He closed his eyes and listened. He heard the tide, and birds, and finally a splashing noise. He opened his eyes and saw the flicker of a tail breaking the surface. In a few moments, he saw a head emerge from the water. He hadn't seen him in seventeen years but he would never be able to forget that face.

The merman emerged and pulled himself out of the water onto a rock. His face was still masklike, to a point; it still did not show expression, but it was no longer unmarred. There were scars visible all over it, including what looked like a fresh one near his mouth. He was wearing the necklace that Mikael had thrown back into the sea six years before. The crystal teardrop caught the light and reflected a rainbow.

"You have finally come, I see. You do know how long it's been?" The merman's displeasure may have not shown in his face, but it was definitely heard in his tone.

"I do, yes. I had something I needed to do first, and I did not know that you would call to me when I sent that bottle down!"

"You gave me your treasure. We have bonded. I had the feeling, when I rescued you, that it would set things in motion that could not be stopped."

"Did I come too late?"

"You would never be too late. I would have never stopped calling for you unless I would have been unable."

"But...why...what did I do? Why me?"

"I gave you a gift, and good wishes. You gave it back because you cared for me, didn't you?" The merman smiled; his eyes looked hopeful but his teeth looked incredibly sharp and threatening.

Mikael was shocked. That wasn't quite it, but he had wanted to see the merman again, to see if he was real, and to thank him for everything he had been given. "I wanted to see you again, but I couldn't wait."

"You have, in your dreams, correct? When I sleep, I dream of you. I think only of you. Come below with me. Under, there are treasures beyond number, worlds with no end, and me always beside you."

Mikael nodded slowly. "I have dreamed of you, too, and of being beside you. I know if you came above, you would die. But if I come below, won't I die too?"

"Oh, no, love, you will not. You will change, and perhaps you will not like it, but you will not die. You will be like me, and you will be my mate, and you will join my family. I know you will leave things, people, behind. My family thinks I am mad; I have been sick with longing for you for so long, and they did not ever expect you to come."

Mikael cautiously approached the merman. "Will it hurt?"

The merman reached out his clawed hand and caressed Mikael's cheek. "Oh, love, I do not know. I have only heard the stories. It may. You are no stranger to enduring pain, though; I have felt it, as I presume you have felt mine. There is a reward at the end. I will never leave you, no matter what may happen, how you may change."

"You know how to do this, though, even if you've just heard stories?"

"My mother told me. It is how my father came to be below. The power is within me. We are bonded to each other. My blood will be in you, and you will become one of us, for the rest of your life."

"And if I don't want to?"

The membrane closed over the merman's eyes. "I will proceed as normal, and perhaps take myself up onto a beach, and you will go back to your lonely home and despair for the rest of your days; your choices after that are your own. It hurts so much to be without you. Do you feel the same about me? I feel your anguish, day after day, every winter when we migrate to warmer waters."

Mikael could admit to himself that he couldn't go on the way he had been. His despair had indeed been too great. "I do, yes, I feel the same way. I will join you."

"We must hurry. I have been above too long, now. You will not need those coverings any longer. Remove them. While you do, I will prepare."

Mikael undressed; as he did, he watched the merman puncture the inside of his elbow with a claw. A spot of dark red blood appeared and enlarged, looking like some sort of malevolent pearl.

"Come here. This may hurt." The merman had his claws out again. Mikael obeyed, and felt his neck being cut by the claws. The merman rubbed the spot of blood into his neck.

"It did, a bit, and it does. Everything is tingly." He didn't feel scared and he knew that he should. He felt calm instead. His merman would never have done anything to harm him.

"I will go into the water now. Walk out and find me. You will not bleed. It will heal, like the scars on my body are all spots that healed quickly." The merman slowly got back into the water. His tail was very, very long, Mikael could see, and remained visible when the rest of him was under.

He followed, stepping into the cold water. Every step was agony, a tingle of sharpness. He started crying and gasping for air. He kept walking into the sea, driven by the need to change, to be with his oceanic beloved, to stop hurting. There came a point, where his head was almost submerged, that he could not make his limbs walk any longer. His head went underwater.

_::there you are, love, come, come!::_

The voice was in his head. He tried to open his mouth for air and could not get any, not here, not underwater. He could not talk. His legs wouldn't move the way he wanted them to; they thrashed about instead and felt longer than they should be.

_::no, no panicking, you have become, you are becoming, let the water flow about you and breathe, you are almost here. open your eyes, you can see me::_

Mikael opened his eyes and saw the merman's face near his, his weird, broad smile beaming at him. He felt the merman take him into his arms and hold him.

_::we will swim together, you and I, until you learn how to use your tail. don't be afraid. I will never let you go alone, forever, you are mine and I am yours, our treasures, complete. and now we go below::_

Mikael felt so safe, safe like he did when he was saved from drowning; but he was so tired, and he let himself drift to dreamless sleep as he was taken into the depths from which his human self would never return.

**Author's Note:**

> The "canon divergence" goes hand in hand with the merpeople AU: in the universe where the Koivus are swimming around the Gulf of Bothnia instead of influencing Finnish hockey, things look very, very different in the hockey world. So different that Mikael Granlund gets drafted by Vancouver...yes, I was trying to set up a parallel set of brothers. (and, also, I know that IRL Markus Granlund did get re-signed.)
> 
> Title from "Hob Y Derri Dando" by Faith and the Muse. The entire album this is on was very undersea-themed, and very inspirational.
> 
> Thanks to Nadler for looking at this in a first pass and dealing with me dithering about actually writing this since spring of 2017.


End file.
